Leaving

     Life has been a bit on the crazy side for the past month. I had both of my sisters visit, which was amazing and I loved every moment. My niece, Emily, stayed with us for three weeks until she could move into her apartment at UVU last Friday. I finally got to take the family camping trip I've been dying to take all summer. We went to Jordanelle and had a great time with the trailer, a tent, and the boat. Zack learned to wakeboard, Scott finally got to wakeboard, and I learned how to drive the boat and pull a wakeboarder. I also got all the kids registered for three different schools, I enrolled myself in an online computer class, and started helping Tawni enroll at SLCC for winter semester.
     Today was a day I've looked forward to and dreaded all summer. Dreaded because I liked having freedom and no schedules, I liked being able to stay up late and sleep in. I looked forward to this day because my house was a disaster and I could finally catch up on the housework and claim my space again. Not to mention have a little peace and quiet. Today was the first day of school.
     I was up at six fixing a french toast breakfast, saying goodbye to Beka as she headed off to early morning seminary and her first day of high school. It was Zack's first day of junior high as well. After dropping Ian off at elementary I breathed a sigh of relief and hurried home to get on my treadmill. I accomplished so much today. Laundry, dishes, counters cleaned off, floors swept and vacuumed, phone calls made, and a celebration lunch with Julie--it's something we always do on the first day of school.
     I kept myself busy all day, convinced that I was happy and okay with everyone growing up. But tonight, it started sinking in.
     It began with Ian. His eighth birthday is coming up, and along with that, his baptism. I've long been convinced that he's only accountable for about 1/5 of the things he does, if that much. So why does he need to be baptized? I don't think he's ready and I'm not sure he ever will be. But Scott and my father-in-law both say it needs to happen. They say that Ian needs to have the blessings that come from having the Holy Ghost all the time. I can understand that. It makes sense to me. But I know it doesn't make sense to Ian. While other children are excited for this momentous occasion, Ian doesn't have a clue nor does he want one. How is he supposed to survive a boring Bishop's interview? Will he even remember who Joseph Smith is? I tried to have a family home evening tonight to help solidify these things. It was a joke. Ian wasn't serious about any of it. He was laughing and joking, Christeal was noisy and a distraction, and I finally threw up my hands in defeat and declared the lesson DONE! A few minutes later, I tried to talk to Ian one-on-one and help him to understand the importance of everything. To my horror, I started to cry. And once I started, I couldn't stop. And guess what? My little boy laughed at me.
     My tears must have unlocked a floodgate of emotions. Soon I wasn't just crying over Ian, I was crying because Zack and Beka were growing up, Tawni was growing up, and with everyone growing up that means that someday they will all leave. And the leaving thoughts turned my mind to Christeal. And then the tears really started. I've managed to keep my emotions buried pretty deep with this one. Not anymore. Tomorrow is the big day. It's the final hearing, and DCFS will petition the court for a trial home placement. Meaning, this sweet little angel who has graced our home for almost ten months, is leaving. And it's killing me.